Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
You Might Also Like
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Liquor Store Parking
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Bloody internet 😳
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
i meant to share this earlier
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.