DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
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When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
groan^2
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I think they could have phrased this better
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin