A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
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Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.