I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
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when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
thanks auntie mary
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.