“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
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My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
incredible
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???