I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
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Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Waiting for the Charmin
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.