My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
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I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia