Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
You Might Also Like
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.