I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
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“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.