In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules