When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
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Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
absolute chaos
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Nothing to do, you say?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.