GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
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I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.