School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.