Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
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You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?