When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
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I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first