I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
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Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!