GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
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3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
this is how life feels
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I have many caverns
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.