I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
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[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
This could’ve been an email.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.