CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
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When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
How to woo a woman
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine