i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
You Might Also Like
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
May your day taste like creamy soup.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.