80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please