Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
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Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I have never related to anyone more.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*