Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
You Might Also Like
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
this is 10/10 content no notes
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.