I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
You Might Also Like
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
nice challenge
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”