Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
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marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
how was your vacation
My Guy
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!