*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
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The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Great game to play with friends
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]