Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
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I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!