911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
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Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.