I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
You Might Also Like
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
this is so top tier i cant
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*