One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
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On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?