Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.