not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
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Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.