Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
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“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
You’ll be OK
A classic…
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.