My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
That’s not how days work.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased