If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
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Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.