Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
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Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Go girl power!
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion