[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
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Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.