lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
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[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
“I FIXED IT!”
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.