My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”