Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
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I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.