“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
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*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I wish I were this cool 😂
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.