How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
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*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
#TopTip
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.