[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
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My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]