“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
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I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water