I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
The old gods are rising again.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.