babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
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Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.