Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
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– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.