What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I will never stop laughing at this
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.