how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
You Might Also Like
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Death certificates are our last participation award.