Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
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This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”